In 1976 I went back to college, I spent three years back in Arizona, head of the gay student alliance, prominent in the town, made the newspapers a time or two. I fought a peaceful fight for gay rights. I picketed Anita Bryant. I started a gay peer-counseling program at the University and worked a suicide hotline. I spoke to endless groups that needed to see a real live queer. Those days are past, everyone knows someone now.

But I never told Mark I was there, never looked him up. I did not think it was fair and I did not think I could or should again be a part of his life.

In 1979 I had a job offer, a serious step upward to a management position, starting in September; back in Los Angeles. And his birthday was just then, he turned twenty-four; I was thirty. And I figured he could not misinterpret my intentions if I called him just before moving.

I hired a singing telegram service to drop a package at his house, some photos I had taken of him, sure he would know who had sent it. I included a message, wishing him a happy birthday saying "I’m in the phone book if you want to look me up." It was not signed.

He called. He told me the telegram was the best birthday present he’d ever gotten. I asked if he wanted to get together for a drink.

It was a disaster. We met, but he thought I was trying to renew the relationship, then that I wanted him to move again with me for my new job. At first he asked if we could be just friends, since I lived in town but I told him no. I didn’t realize it, didn’t explain to him that I was just trying to get to know how he was doing. It ended with him angrily telling me not to call him again, not to look him up. Not to keep confusing him.

I walked away feeling badly, but thought, "He’ll change his mind, I’ll call him in a year or two."

But I never did. I put it off year after year, and finally decided that at some point you have to let people live their lives as they will. And so I did.

My mother died in 1986. I had come to know I loved her, and learned to overlook and forgive her craziness. On Memorial Day I went to visit in the cemetery, there was a flag on her grave and it didn’t belong. I picked it up and walked about to find a better place for it.

Three rows away I saw John’s grave. It shocked me, I had not known he was here.

I gave him the flag, he had fallen in battle, deserved it. Now and then I look up his pictures in the yearbook. When I’m in town I visit him.

I never again had a love like Mark. No one smells like he did. Maybe you only get one of those.

My life held more love, a partner for ten years and I loved him. He was, and our relationship was, as weird and wonderful as Mark in their way, but we never had that kind of passion. His journey took him elsewhere.

Eventually I decided I wanted to have children and had eight foster children. I adopted one, he is twenty-one; he wasn’t even born when Mark and I last met. I love him to pieces and he has given me two beautiful grandchildren and made me proud. My life is not perfect, but it has been happy.

Mark. I have always, I will always, I do still love you, even if it is only my memory of you. I hope your life has been full, and happy, for you deserve it, you deserve all the sweetness and kindness the world has to offer. Whenever I feel down, whenever I doubt my own goodness, I think of you and of how honorably and passionately we loved, and I feel good.

And when April comes upon me,

I go to the desert to find you again.

Safe, beyond coyotes and rabbits,

Safe in the moon shadow of a Palo Verde,

The desert is a place of peace.

I can see clearly now.

I can see clearly now The rain is gone,

I can see all Obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright, Bright, sun-shiny day.

I think I can make it now, The pain is gone

All of the bad feelings have disappeared

Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for

It’s gonna be a bright, Bright, sun-shiny day.

Look all around, There’s nothin’

But blue skies Look straight ahead,

Nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, The rain is gone,

I can see all Obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright, Bright, sun-shiny day. ²⁰

Postscript: This story is done, though life may still have some surprises for me.

1 Crystal Blue Persuasion, Tommy James & the Shondells

2 Ode to Billy Joe, B. Gentry

3 First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Roberta Flack, by Ewan MacColl

4 American Pie, Lyrics and Music by Don McLean

5 Build Me Up, Buttercup, The Foundations, by Tony Macaulay, Michael D'Abo

6 (They Long To Be) Close To You, The Carpenters, Richard Carpenter Roger Nichols/Paul Williams

7 Hello, I Love You, Words and Music by the Doors

8 I’d Love To Change The World, Ten Years After, written by Alvin Lee

9 I Think We’re Alone Now, Tommy James & the Shondells

11 Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) Lyrics and Music by Don McLean

12 Brain Damage, Pink Floyd (Waters)

13 Sign, recorded by Five Man Electrical Band.

14 Heart of the Sunrise, Yes, Anderson-Squire-Bradford

15 Killing me Softly, Roberta Flack, Killing Me Softly; words and music byNorman Gimbel & Charles Fox

16 Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, Roberta Flack, Quiet Fire; words & music Carole King & Gerry
Goffin Screen-Gems EMI

17 Bad Moon Rising, words/Music By John Fogerty, Creedence Clearwater Revival

18 How Can You Mend A Broken Heart, Bee Gees Written by B. Gibb /R. Gibb

19 Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, Lyrics and Music by Paul Simon

20 I Can See Clearly Now, Johnny Nash