Chapter 1

The clouds moved in and stayed.  Certainly there had been breaks in the clouds; rays of sun almost tangible as they struck the earth.  The rays of sun seemed even brighter and more distinct because of the dark background of clouds.

It had not been a good summer in the Rosato-Dugan household.   It was a summer best forgotten. 

Jake’s departure just after he and Brian graduated from eighth grade had hung over the family like a thunderhead that never really produced precipitation, but just blocked the sun.

To be sure, there were bright spots in the summer.  Ryan came to live with them while his mother dried out in a rehab center.  He tried to adapt quickly to the family, but there were some obstacles.  He was jealous of Tommy.   Ryan was the youngest child in his family, and wasn’t sure how to deal with a younger sibling.  Also, there had been some friction between Ryan and Brian initially as well.  Ryan was afraid of sleeping in the basement alone, so he chose to share a room with Brian.  Brian was still hurting from Jake’s departure and treated Ryan like dirt the first two weeks Ryan was there.  The Adoption Ceremony had helped to take the edge off Brian’s pain as did the short-term counseling Matt had sent him to.  On top of all this, Ryan had been very homesick the first few weeks he was with them. 

Other than these drawbacks, Ryan was a joy. Ryan was good-natured and highly creative. He was funny and a marvelous actor.  He taught them more than they ever wanted to know about musicals.  He was affectionate and open and loving.  But he was leaving if Marilyn finished her rehab program successfully, and indications were that she would do so. 

So, Matt and Tim, Brian and Tommy held just a little back from Ryan.  He was leaving around Labor Day and they all knew it.  It had been different with Jake.  Jake was supposed to stay.  They all wanted him to stay.  Their attorney assured them that the judge would see the wisdom of letting Jake stay.  But in a crushing surprise, Judge Kildare gave custody to his natural father, Al Wagner. 

That’s when the clouds came to stay.

Matt postponed his career change.  He just didn’t want to deal with any more stress and changing jobs ranks among the most stressful events in life.  He dragged himself listlessly to work and back again.  Events like the moving adoption ceremony at St. Luke’s and their vacation in Wisconsin had energized him briefly, then the clouds returned.

Brian was dreading high school.  The cozy cup of friends he adopted in junior high was about to be stirred and diluted.  Although Mike Levin, their next door neighbor and Brian’s on-again-off-again boyfriend would be attending the same high school, it just wouldn’t be the same without Jake. 

Even perky, ebullient Tommy showed signs of depression.  He sat for hours petting Prints, or his gerbil or staring into his aquarium.  He smiled less.  His face became a mask.  He did find a new friend his own age that summer.  Bobby was on his Park District soccer team, and his handsome face with his sparkling brown eyes and ruddy cheeks became a common sight in and around the house. 

Out of all the family members, Tim was probably the hardest hit.  Tim stopped exercising, became a couch potato and started to gain weight. It wasn’t a drastic weight gain that might cause concern for his health.  Still, it was noticeable.  Like many body builders, if the crucial balance between food and exercise isn’t maintained, the energy is not metabolized and it is stored as fat.  He and Jake had started jogging together just before Jake left, and Tim said it hurt too much to go without him.  He stopped work on the downstairs bedroom in mid-June and it gathered dust.  The wallboards were up, but the seams needed taping then the walls needed paint, the floor begged carpet and the electrical outlets and switches were just wires hanging out of the wall.

One evening when he arrived home from work, Matt found Tim sitting cross-legged in the fourth bedroom and sobbing.  Matt’s heart broke all over again to see the man he loved in such pain, and knowing that he had no control over it.  Like the measles Tim had in May, the pain just had to run it’s course.

They decided from that evening to keep the door closed.  In the unfinished bedroom closet, they gently placed Jake’s unopened birthday gift.  It was still wrapped in glossy red paper; red was Jake’s favorite color. Under the wrapping were a Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt, jeans and boxer briefs.  The clothes were an expensive gift, but at the time, Matt thought he was investing in the future.  In Jake’s future. 

Little did he know, that there was to be no future with Jake.   

Matt

 “Hi, Marty, how are you?”  Matt sat at the breakfast bar.  Next to him was a bag full of promotional items he had brought home with him the night before. 

 “The question should be, ‘How are you, darling?’”

 “Surviving.”  Matt began sorting through the junk he had accumulated.  Publishers sent an amazing array of promotional items to bookstores in the hopes that owners, managers or their employees would help “hand-sell” their title.  Bookmarks were the most common give-away.  They were cheap and easily mass-produced.  Of course, free books were another common freebie.  Unfortunately, the free books were seldom by popular authors.  The publishers didn’t need to promote Danielle Steel, Stephen King, David Eddings, Robert Fulghum, or Dr. Suess.  Those authors sold themselves.  Usually, smaller publishers distributed the free books.  If a major publisher -- such as Random House, Simon & Schuster or Bantam -- did send out a free book, it was usually by a new or “discovered” author. 

 But the publishers didn’t stop at books and bookmarks to capture the attention of bookstore employees.  They sent pens, pencils, notepads, coffee mugs, audio tapes and even CD’s.  One memorable time a publisher sent bags of microwave popcorn to promote The Perfect Popcorn Book.

 “Such a tragic figure you are.”

 Matt laughed.  “You always did have a talent for hyperbole.  How’s Vince?”

 “He’s great.  He’s doing well at Jewel, even though he’s gone part-time now.”

 “He has?”  Matt studied a teddy bear with a HarperCollins logo sewn on his chest. “Why?”

 “He’s taking classes at Moraine View Community College.”

 “He is?  Good for him,” Matt said sincerely.  He was always impressed with people’s efforts to better themselves, especially through education.  “What is he studying?”

 “He’s not sure yet.  He decided to go to Moraine to get the basic credits out of the way first.”

 “Smart move.”

 “He thinks the world of you, Matt.”

 “And I like him, too.  How is he treating you?”

 Marty sighed with pleasure.  Matt could hear the smile on his face.  “He treats me so well.”  He sighed again as if to emphasize his point. 

 “I’m glad you’re so happy. Sounds like true love.”

 “Shhhh!”  Marty admonished,  “Don’t jinx it!”  His voice softened.  “Yeah, it is real enough.” 

 “I hate to remind you,” Matt cleared his throat, “but I told you so.  I knew there was someone for you.  I just never thought it would be…” Matt struggled for a term. 

 “A prostitute?” Marty finished for him.  “Life is full of little surprises, isn’t it?  Well, enough about me and my little life.  How are you?  How are my nephews?”

 “They’re kinda muddling along, like the rest of us.  Nothing has been the same since Jake left.”  He ran his index finger along the porch railing.  “Everybody in the house except Ryan has been to see a counselor at one point or another this summer.”

 “How did Brian and Tommy fare at home alone all summer?  I know you had concerns.”

 “Not a problem.  You’re right, I was concerned at first, but Brian pointed out that lots of kids his age are babysitting and getting paid for it.  We had to set some guidelines.”

 Marty laughed.  “More rules.  You and your rules.”

 “These are guidelines.  Not to be confused with suggestions, requests, laws or directions.  At least that’s what we’re calling them.”

 “Has Jake visited?  I know you had visitation rights.”

 “He did a few times.  But he stopped soon after the Fourth of July.  It was just too much drama every time he left.  He started crying then we started crying.  He didn’t want to come over, then once he was here, he didn’t want to leave.  After about two weeks, his counselor got in touch with me and we decided to let it go for a couple months – so we can all get some perspective.  He’s only called once since then, and we haven’t seen him at all.”

 “Poor Matt.”

 Matt shook his head in agreement as if Marty could see the gesture.  “Brian was really hard hit the first couple weeks after he left.  He was such a little shithead immediately after Jake left.  He turned around a bit after the Adoption Ceremony.  He and Mike aren’t talking to each other, and nobody knows why.  Neither of the boys will tell us.”

 “Adolescents are so dramatic.  What are your plans for the Labor Day weekend?”

 “Not much. I have to work Saturday, of course, although I did manage to get Monday off for a change.  We’ve been invited to a picnic on Sunday.  The family of Patrick’s boyfriend throws a big bash every year.  And guess where it is?”

 “I can’t think.”

 “Arie Crown Woods.”

 “No way!  Farie Crown?  Oh my God, you’d better keep those boys out of the woods!”

 “Don’t I know it!”  Arie Crown was a huge forest preserve near the intersection of the Stevenson Expressway and Route 45.  It was a notorious cruising place.  Matt himself had been there several times.  By this time, Matt had reached the bottom of the bag of goodies.  At the bottom, was a shiny, metal object.  It had come as a promotional item for The Ultimate Wedding Book in May and had sat in his desk drawer until the day before last when he decided to finally clean out his desk.

 “Anyone else going to be there that you know?”

 “No, just Patrick and Tony.  On Monday, we’re thinking about taking the kids to the Frankfort Fall Festival.”

 “That should be fun.  They have the nicest crafts and antiques.”

 “Yes, they do.  I haven’t been there in years.”

 Matt heard Marty kiss Vince.  “Well, sweetie, it was good talking.  Take care.”

 “The call of the wild, huh?  Bye, hon.”

 “Hang in there, Matt.  It’ll get better.”

Matt fervently hoped he was right. 

Brian

That summer, Brian discovered girls.

Not in a sexual or romantic way, but as friends.  They shared a lot of the same interests, they were good listeners, they seldom wanted to do boring things like shoot hoops. 

He and Mike had hardly spoken all summer.  Just before Jake left, Mike had announced to Brian that he had had sex with Jake several times.  Brian didn’t know who to be angrier at – Jake or Mike.  But Jake was gone and so Mike was the only person left to vent his anger upon.  He did this by ignoring Mike.  Carl and Dave spent a large part of the summer with Mike, therefore they, too, were ignored. Tammy and her family moved back to California shortly after their eighth grade graduation.  Allegra lived way on the other side of Park Forest. 

So Brian hung with Pam.  They did the typical things young teenagers did – talk, eat, watch TV, gossip, eat, and listen to music.  Tim often came home to see the snack bar covered with food of all descriptions.  Matt and Tim didn’t mind that Pam was in the house – they both liked her.  They trusted Brian and knew him well enough to be assured that his sexual curiosity was unlikely to extend to Pam, even though she was pretty.  Also, if Brian remained at home, he would keep better tabs on Tommy. 

There were only two things Matt and Tim did object to. One was the amount of food the two could put away.  And they often left a mess.  Matt almost blew up when he came home one night to find tortilla chip crumbs and red blobs of salsa all over the coffee table in the living room.  A new rule was created then and there.  They had to stay at the breakfast bar with their food and clean up after themselves.  Otherwise, Pam would not be welcome.

Labor Day weekend, Pam was at the house.  She opined, “If you want a jock, you gotta act like them, think like them.  Take an interest in sports.”

Brian wrinkled his nose.

Pam shrugged.  “I’m just telling what you need to do.  If you don’t want to do it, that’s your choice.”

Pam and Brian had so much fun together.  They could go to Lincoln Mall and watch boys and compare notes.  It was almost a gay cliché – a gay boy whose best friend is a girl.  But, the alliance met both their needs.  It alleviated Brian’s loneliness and satisfied Pam’s need for a companion with whom she could be herself.  Matt and Tim often joked between themselves that Pam had all the makings of a future fag hag.

Pam took another handful of popcorn. “So what happened between you and Mike?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, come on, Brian.  It’s me!”

Brian just shook his head slowly.   As much as he wanted to talk about it, he hesitated.  It just hurt too much.  Still, it had been almost three months, and he felt betrayed by both Mike and Jake.  He got off his stool to put another bag of popcorn in the microwave.

“I you don’t tell me, I’ll tell everyone we’ve been doing it.”  They both laughed at the ludicrous statement.

He looked down.  Without thinking, he picked up the object Matt had left on the counter when he was sorting through the bag of promotional items from his store.  Brian squinted at it.  He mumbled, “I found out Mike was having sex with Jake.”

Pam threw her head back and laughed her trademark throaty laugh.  “Mike was doing it with Jake, too?  Jake was such a ho,” she said, attempting to make Brian laugh, or at least cheer up.

“Do you think this is real?”

A long awkward moment passed.  “I’m sorry,” she finally said.  “But now you know how I feel,” she said quietly.

He did, indeed. 

The fresh bag of popcorn was ready.  Brian shook it and poured it into the large bowl they were sharing. 

“How are your classes going?”  They had been back to school for just a few days.  They were attending Rich East Township High School – home of the Rockets. 

“It’s hard to tell. It’s still early…”

Tommy interrupted his response as he reached in between them for a handful of popcorn.

“Hey!  This is our popcorn.  If you want some, make your own,” Brian told him.

“No time.  I have to meet with Leah,” he replied as he stuffed his mouth full of popcorn. 

“Awwww, how could you be mean to such a cutie,” Pam said as she ruffled Tommy’s hair.

“That’s just the problem.  He’s cute and he knows it.”

The younger boy’s eyes spied the shiny object on the counter.  “Can I have this?”

At this point, Brian was anxious to get rid of his pesky little brother, and would have given him anything.

“Yes, and leave us alone.”

Tommy tossed the object in the air and caught it as he slammed out the back door, down the porch steps and up the steps to Leah’s.